A few of my own thoughts…
From a young age, my relationship with myself, wasn’t healthy, I learned how to “deal” with it.
My relationship with alcohol and other potentially addictive activities, were also never healthy, left unaddressed, all these issues simply got worse.
It got to the point, where I was talking about hiring someone, to beat people up with a bat.
𝗜 𝗱𝗶𝗱 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘀𝗮𝗶𝗱 𝗺𝗮𝗻𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 𝗜’𝗺 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗱 𝗼𝗳, 𝗜 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝗵𝗼𝘄𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿, 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁, 𝗼𝗿 𝗜 𝗯𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗲𝘃𝗲 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗵𝘂𝗿𝘁 𝗮𝗻𝘆𝗼𝗻𝗲.
I’d become so angry, frustrated with myself and life, this added to the drinking, plus the fact I couldn’t think straight, made me feel powerless to resolve the “problems” I now had.
You can’t help but wonder, how did everything get this far?
𝗜 𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱, 𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗷𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗺𝘆 𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿, 𝗳𝗲𝗮𝗿 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗶𝗻𝘀𝗲𝗰𝘂𝗿𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗲𝘀 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗹𝗱, 𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗽𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲.
𝗜𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗲𝗻𝗱, 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗼𝗻 𝗜 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗻𝘂𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝘂𝗿𝘁, 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝗺𝘆𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳.
Where I’d spent many years, running around on autopilot, I also had an understanding of the outcome to my actions. Expecting the world and the people in it, to bend to my will, so that I can feel safe, was never going to happen.
Nothing works the way we believe it does and it’s not worth dying over.
Addressing the relationship with alcohol, myself and life, I now believe, what other people think about me, is their business, not mine.
𝗜 𝗵𝗮𝗱 𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗺𝗲𝗱, 𝗮𝘁 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝗹𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗹, 𝘁𝗵𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗺𝘆 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲, 𝗜’𝗱 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗱 𝗺𝘆𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝗯𝗮𝗰𝗸, 𝗜 𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸𝗲𝗱 𝗼𝘂𝘁, 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗺𝘆𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳, 𝘄𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗲 𝗺𝘆 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗲𝗻𝗷𝗼𝘆𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲.
As opposed to talking about it, I took action and created a new life.