Insecurity
Continuity.
Being fortunate enough to discuss the situation with my parents, it's apparent that my insecurities began to surface when we moved home, when I was five years of age. I missed where we had lived a great deal, it was extremely difficult to settle for quite some time. Visiting my grandparents in our old village on one occasion. A girl that had lived a few doors along the street, asked me what I was doing there? Saying, I didn't belong there any longer. The problem was I didn't believe I belonged in my new environment, with my new friends, that had been in nursery together.
New me.
At eleven years of age, attending the comprehensive school, it happened again. A small number of us from primary school, went to this school. The greater percentage of our friends attended another nearby comprehensive.
Being absolutely horrified when my name was called, and I had to stand up in a gymnasium full of people, I'd never seen before. I dealt with the situation by putting a front on things, there was no chance I was going to look like a timid victim in front of all these people.
A friend, that I'd attended primary school with, told me. He remembers thinking, "who the hell is that", subsequently telling me, "he believed I was acting like a completely different person, that looked like they had something to prove".
Clearly this was a 'new me'. Someone that developed into a person that couldn't be themselves unless they were totally comfortable. That only happened, with a handful of trusted people.
My childhood wasn't unenjoyable, we had some great times. There was always that feeling, I was an outsider.
Fitting in.
My unhealthy relationship with, the need to have 'things' was developed during this early part of my life. I'd been introduced to a new world, where some of my friends seemed to have everything. I wanted in on this, I wanted to fit in and didn't enjoy the fact that I couldn't have everything I wanted. I never felt like I had enough, as I got older, I'd go to great lengths to have something that somebody else had. It didn't matter if I needed it, I wanted it.
I wanted it all, the cars, the clothes, the trips away, everything, and I didn't care if I didn't have the money to do it. I would find a way of doing it. If it was a trip away, I couldn't miss it, I might not be invited next time.
My parents gave us an abundance of care and love when we were children, as they still do, they didn't give us everything that we wanted.
Expectations.
Not being beaten in the fight, aside. One of the biggest reasons for putting up with a miserable working life and then life in general. I also lacked the confidence to go it alone, I was believing what people were telling me.
Another problem, I was unrealistic, early in my career, I'd set expectations as to where I'd be in twenty or so years. Being unhappy, yet comfortable in the knowledge that I was earning a decent wage and would earn lots more in the 'future'. Would have the power I required, in the ‘future’, enabling me, to put up with it.
The money provided me with very nice cars, which I couldn't truly enjoy because of the amount of alcohol I was consuming. Designer clothes frequently bought too big, to hide the body I was embarrassed about. The opportunity to travel extensively, normally looking for the next pub, never really appreciating the places that we visited.
A substantial amount of my earnings, being spent on alcohol, to get through it all.
I'm not saying I don't enjoy having nice cars and clothes, having them to mask my unhappiness for many years is quite different.
Appreciation.
My relationship with material objects is much better these days. Where I enjoy the finer things in life, my neediness of them has diminished. I no longer require a faster or more up to date model of car, than 'that guy' I may not even know, to make me feel better about myself. I just appreciate cars again, which is completely different. One important realisation has been, I am more than the car I drive and the clothes I wear. Also, I have a deep understanding of happiness comes from within, not from external stimulants that will inevitably fade away.
A projection.
It's difficult when you've made up a life and a person, as we all do, to live up to that life and person. It becomes more difficult every day to be a person that you are not. The problem now is you can't go back. You can't possibly show anyone that the person you've put on display isn't real, you've just got to go along with it. I mean what will people think and say about you, it's simply exhausting living this way and it's unsustainable.
You have the power within you to be the person you truly are, and be comfortable with it, no matter what anyone else has to say about it.
Social media.
I've discussed the subject in a restaurant, with a stranger while eating lunch, I also observe and listen. I understand social media can be extremely dangerous to someone that isn't in a particularly good place mentally, or simply feels vulnerable.
I've fallen into many traps throughout my life, comparing myself to other people being one of them. When I joined social media, I began doing it again, albeit I'd almost died less than a year previously, it's instilled in us to be this way. I was beginning to reaffirm my sense of lack and let's not forget superiority, fortunately not the past. Thankfully I realised what was happening, social media then became a fantastic tool, to be used in a positive way.
For as long as I remember, I had the attitude, I don't want anybody knowing what I'm doing.
For the greater part of my adult life, this didn't take much imagination to be honest.
Out of hiding.
Social media gave me a platform to make an appearance, it also gave me the opportunity to document my journey.
I'd hidden myself in one way or another for many years, it was time to start being active and present. I was also overly conscious of how I looked and what people thought, although you'd never have believed that, the state I was in. I've always disliked photographs and how I thought I sounded on video. With all the activities I was now undertaking, it seemed like a perfect medium to get over these issues.
It also afforded me a means of posting about some of my life experiences, another liberation.
Ideal tool.
It's another tool I've used to construct a new much healthier and realistic self-image, which allows me to just be myself. Making a commitment to remain positive, to push myself out of my comfort zone, achieve and experience with an attitude aimed at success.
The biggest obstacle it's addressed, it doesn't matter what people think. If they agree with, comment, like or not, it's out there. Having enough confidence to hit the share button, giving people the opportunity to say exactly what they would like to say; knowing it has no bearing on the way I feel.
Learning.
Being comfortable with what could be seen, as a massive failure in life, and the realisation that it has been a learning experience. The lessons learned when applied correctly, allowing for successful outcomes in the future, gives me an optimism about life, I've not experienced before.
Comfortable.
If you can relate to any of this part of my story, in any way, this is something that can be resolved. Talking about why you feel the way you do, where have the insecurities come from?
Blowing them out of the water, become confident and comfortable with yourself. Learn to be you, like you've never been before, and love it.
Call me, let's get started on your new life.