A Broken Soul.
While doing this work myself, rebuilding my life and researching, how I'd achieved, what I'd achieved. A point that is made, all behaviours have a positive intention, whatever is, or has been happening in our lives. We have developed survival mechanisms, to cover up core wounds, or self limiting beliefs we possess. We are behaving in this way, because part of us, believes it is necessary for our survival. We are not broken, there is no inner monster. However, our behaviour may not be particularly constructive, in its relationship to our health. People in general have also told me similar things, since beginning my journey of transformation, it's just where you were at that time. I understand this now, as I've stated previously, my consumption of alcohol allowed me to feel the way, I wanted to feel. To deal or not deal, with issues, I couldn't, or wouldn't address.
Being honest, for many years, I simply felt broken, although, I knew I possessed a soul. Passively killing yourself, whatever the circumstances. While loathing who you’ve become and the life you are existing in. To my mind, doesn't seem particularly 'positive' and simply not behaving in a useful manner. Being extremely disintegrated, I was at an all-time low, feeling let down by other people and myself. Also feeling sorry for myself, the world was against me, that's the only thing it could be. I was a victim, all alone and nobody really cared.
Spending most of my time thinking about hurting the people that were hurting me, really hurting them. I’d told people how I felt, people that I thought could help, I believe the people I confided in, and there weren't many, just assumed it was the amount of alcohol I was consuming.
The people I did confide in, would tell me to ignore the other people that were causing me so much grief, at that time, this is something I couldn't do, mentally I'd gone past the point where reasonable thoughts entered my mind, I just wanted it to stop and I didn't care how.
Don't want to get out of bed?
Feeling isolated and irritable?
Feel like hurting someone or yourself?
Cleanliness not so good, not taking any pride in yourself?
Had enough, suicidal thoughts?
I told my doctor my thoughts, he immediately wrote me a prescription for anti-depressants. He was aware of the history and obviously thought this was the best course of action.
Clearly, the aim being, to allow me to remain in some sort of control in the situation. I'm confident that he wouldn't have done this if he believed I was consuming that volume of alcohol, the prescribed tablets, allowing for moderate alcohol consumption.
Again, I wasn't upfront with a doctor, but this was my doctor, who I had a very good relationship with. He is an incredible human being, one of the best, he deserved more. Saying that, all doctors deserve the truth.
There was no way he could have known, how often, or the quantity of alcohol I was drinking, and I didn't tell him. This being wrong on so many levels. Understanding now that I needed to be honest with any doctor, if we were going to get the desired results.
Adding the medication to large volumes of alcohol, was not a good idea. The medication is not designed in a way, that allows for consumption of vast amounts of alcohol, and a generally unhealthy lifestyle. For me, the situation worsened, the feelings deepened, there is a distinct likelihood that, for anyone this what will happen.
Open the door.
I was now making a special effort to get to the pub as early as possible, waiting for the door to open and proceeding to drink as much as I could, as quickly as I could. A couple of my friends who I drunk with, made a comment, "If they didn't get to the pub by midday, they might as well come out at four o'clock". "They wouldn't get any conversation out of me, there was little point".
Enough is enough.
I didn't want to be on the planet, ending it all was something that crossed my mind only a handful of times, there were genuine reasons not to do this, I am fortunate for that. Realistically it wasn't me I wanted to hurt, and thankfully, I was aware of it.
Passive suicidal ideation.
Albeit I was aware, of who I wanted to hurt, and believed that wasn't myself. This is the very and only thing I was achieving; I was killing myself, without actively or consciously thinking about it.
There was only ever going to be the one inevitable outcome, I would end up dead, or in hospital. I'm extremely fortunate, to have recovered from the whole experience.
I discussed this with my coach, I'd never really thought about what I was achieving, I'd certainly never heard the phrase, passive suicide, it makes total sense to me now.
Reluctantly dragging myself out of bed for work, after another sleepless night. I'd shower when I needed to, which is never good, it was mentioned on occasions, I didn't smell like I'd showered. People subsequently telling me, I smelt like I was dying from the inside out, all my bottom teeth were brown, and I was confident I'd lose them. I couldn't even be bothered to address that issue.
Now, it wasn't only the clothes I was wearing, were too big, the clothes I was wearing to work had also become inappropriate. I just didn't care anymore and hadn't for some time.
What you are told.
One of the worst things about it all, I believed everything I was being told. I had no argument whatever I felt, due to the fact I was consuming so much alcohol. I couldn't defend myself, even when I thought I was correct; my self-esteem was on the floor. Any confidence I did have, was gone. It was impossible to see past the comments or argument for a particular course of action, and why they were being made, the motive behind them.
I believed that I'd completley folded; I couldn't cope with that. It made me feel worthless and useless, I was a victim.
All I could do was complain about the situation and life in a pub.
Then there was the voice in my head that wouldn't give it a rest, constantly going through it all.
I don't recall ever having this much energy and a zest for life, not even when I played rugby in my teens. One of the issues being, I didn't believe it was possible to love living again. Being this fit and healthy, able to participate in activities I'd secretly ridicule previously, is incredible.
Formerly, I'd clearly been extremely envious of what other people were achieving, this just burying me deeper in my darkness.
The importance of a change in mind-set, is paramount. Being prepared to have a go and not worry about being seen to fail. Leads to a lighter feeling, where nothing is quite so serious as it once would have been. Situations become easier to deal with; you will find any deep and negative feelings will disappear. Any sense of nothingness will be replaced by feelings of substance.
Let me help you achieve this.