Angry with life

Anger.

Anger is destructive, when we allow it to alter the person we truly are. Everything becomes a battle, we must win. Driving our car, is more stressful than need be, what is that fool doing for 'bleep' sake? Just before you drive at the gap, too fast, shouting abuse through your window. This type of sceario, seems to arise more often than not, realistically it isn't just behind the wheel of our cars, either. Family, professional, romantic and social relationships, become a test of how long we can remain calm. This is more than stress, it's deeper, on another level.

It's more than simply being competitive too, you can't help taking it personally to the extreme, before long, you are attempting to fight everything. When people do, or say things which aren't necessarily very nice, or constructive. It's very difficult to get over it, let it go, it festers and grows within you. The next time that person says something, you feel like screaming at them, hitting them, telling them to shut up! As soon as is humanly possible, you are attempting get away from them, and the environment you are in. At this point the real anger raises it's ugly head, that's all you've achieved, is running away and you're now, simply moaning about it. For me, it was, what sort of a man are you? You're saying and feeling one thing and doing quite another, becoming angry, about being angry.

Causes.

Anger is our natural response to threats, we have spoken about the stress response and our perception of danger, or a genuine threat, obviously.

There are many reasons why we get angry, some of which could be unique to us as an individual. We all have our own set of values and beliefs, if someone, or something doesn't fit in with these rules, that's it, we become angry.

There are also issues, if we weren't taught as a child, to cope with and express our anger in a healthy manner. This leading to these feelings, simmering, undealt with, until we reach the point we explode in some way.

Medical conditions, can also be an influence of our levels of anger, brain chemistry, and our genetic coding, being critical. Again, we speak about our programming in the third trimester of pregnancy, being affected by the environment in which our mother lives

Other causes of anger.

Constant worry about our personal problems or circumstances.
Feeling like you, or your opinion is unappreciated
Injustice
Memories of traumatic experiences
Other peoples anger, however it is being expressed.

Losing a loved one.

Losing my grandfather, as I’ve already mentioned in my story, was a complete disaster. The man was everything, we had a very special relationship.

He had suffered a brain haemorrhage while on holiday and had been flown back to a nearby hospital. Now requiring surgery to remove the blood clot in his brain, we vistited him once before the operation. I can only remember him, slurring at me from his bed, telling me not to let myself down.

He wasn't the grandfather I'd been around when I was growing up, just along the street. I'd also spent time with him, since we'd moved homes, whenever possible, and this was an experience I didn't enjoy.

I only managed to see him once, because to my mind, at that time, I'd see him again, when he'd had the surgery and was well again. Things didn't work out like that, he suffered a heart attack post operation.

When my father told me, I don't remember saying anything like, dad, i'm so sorry. Also, walking into my parents lounge, my sister and grandmother were crying. At this point, that's all I remember thinking was, what about me!?

It was as if someone had come along and ripped my heart out.

Life's not fair.

Moving aside, which was a different kind of experience, that was difficult, and the cause of many issues, but it wasn't unfair.

This I believe, was my introduction to, life's not fair. Although a large percentage of us, have been told this, since you were a small children, I'd never really experienced it. To put it another way, this wasn't part of the plan, it wasn't supposed to happen, but it had happened.

Not only was I angry at 'my' loss, I was angry that I couldn't be bothered to go and see him. That I would never get the opportunity to tell him how I felt about him, the amount of guilt that accompanied it, was extraordinary.

Out of character.

I was angry and upset, nobody got it, realistically, I don't think I did either. Things had changed, I simply felt different, my perception of life, wasn't the same.

At this point, I still had rugby and music, to help deal with the anger issues I was living with. It wasn't too long before these past times started to become a bind. I was ducking and diving teachers, that wanted me to play the bass in the wind band, swing band, orchestra on a lunch time and after school. Then there was the youth orchestra on a Friday evening, it was getting too much.

'All this' along with rugby training and playing a few times a week, something had to give. The problem I had here, was I was getting overly annoyed, angry at the teachers. This was huge, if we'd lose at rugby, or I hadn't had a good game.

When I left the rugby club, I'd go home and play the double bass, it calmed me down. Then I would go back to the rugby club, town and a club, getting extremely drunk.

The final blow.

Next came the question of rugby, the falling out with my coach. The discussion I'd had with him, about playing on a Saturday morning. Once again, I became angry and upset, at what I'd been told he'd said about me in the presence of a friend, behind my back.

Not approaching him, for further discussion. I gave up rugby, the issue again, if you didn't represent the school, you were unable to represent the club.

Sometime later, we discussed me giving up and that I'd been selected to play for the county, due to another players injury. He asked if I no longer intended to play and mentioned that I had this opportunity.

The way I processed this encounter, was that he was happy that I was no longer playing and that I had missed this chance. Adding him to my list, I blamed him, for my decision to stop playing.

I was no longer participating, in the only past times, that managed my aggression.

This plan from the off, was fatally flawed.

Baggage.

Carrying these feelings around with us, not dealing with them, possibly not understanding the impact they are having on us, is extremely detrimental to us.

When we meet other people, outside of the environment we are used to, which itself can be difficult. This becomes a real problem, we find it hard, to let behaviours on display, go. We begin to formulate, in our mind, who or what this person is.

Personally, I had a mental hate list of people, that I was so angry with. I'd added my grandmother to this list, when she begun selling off, my grandfather’s possessions.

Now, of course, I can understand it was her way of moving on, at that point in time, I couldn't understand what she was doing. For many years, I found it very difficult, to call in and visit her. This meant, I didn't do that very often, even when I was passing her house.

Irrational behaviour.

Punching walls and windows, biting and chewing on pint glasses. Throwing mobile phones at the wall, with regularity, any object that's to hand.

Aggressive driving, not simply shouting abuse, at other drivers. Launching ourselves into a rage, which seems incomprehensible to others, over the slightest issue, we don't agree with.

At sixteen years of age, I begun taking my parents car out for a spin. I wasn't the only one doing this, however, I believe this is something I would never have done, if I wasn't so angry at life and still cared.

The consequences, of being caught, or something going wrong, before hand, was something I wouldn't wanted to have faced. Breaking the law, was something I'd been brought up, not to do.

I wrote the car off, thankfully, I didn't hurt the people that were in the car with me, or worse still, kill them. Immediately after the accident, I could see these people walking, aside from one, who'd been trapped in the car, with a high voltage cable bouncing at it's side.

Once we had that person out of the vehicle, I was more concerened with the story they might tell the police.

The issue was, I didn't really have much remorse for what I'd done, I didn't really care. The most worrying aspect for me was, that I might not be able to drive at seventeen.

This was not the person, I believe myself to be.

Chemicals.

When we are angry, thinking angry thoughts, which are being stimulated by current or, past events, our body releases amongst other chemicals, adrenaline and nor-adrenaline into our blood stream.

We get an 'Adrenaline Rush' from this, studies have shown, we can become addicted to the rush and the feeling. In some instances, people have been known to bring on these feelings, simply to have the experience. We become addicted to the chemicals, our own body is producing, in response to our thoughts. Or, we are genuinely unaware of what we are doing, but don’t feel like ourselves, if we don't feel this way.

We begin to fantasise, about getting even with the people, who we perceive, have hurt us, visioning, taking our revenge for what they did to us. In my experience, anger toward people, became hate, realistically though, this is quite common in the world and on a much bigger scale.

Dear Dad

Things didn't turn out quite like I wanted them 2.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode.

Everybody wanna see u down 4 the count.

But that ain't what being a real man's about.

Can't stop this feeling I've got...Prince...Graffiti Bridge.

A favourite track, at 16+yrs. Unaware of it's meaning, I assigned my own.

Assertive aggression.

I've discussed being assertive, this is the most effective and healthy way of focusing our anger. Where we become controlled and confident, having a belief in ourselves, where we don't see one externally.

Becoming conscious of our thoughts and feelings, how we act and react to them, because it is these that we are reacting to, not the environment. This enabling us to communicate confidently, without the emotion which clouds our judgement. Conversely, using the emotion to generate a positive outcome.

Flexible and being open to other peoples, points of view, or taking that step back. Understanding, that the people acting in a similar way to ourselves, is themselves suffering. This gives us a different perspective on the situation, offers us different options, with which to deal with it.

We then arrive at forgiveness, importantly for ourselves and the others that we believe have hurt, or wronged us, causing us pain. When we begin this journey, we might find it difficult to achieve this, think about it even. This was extremely difficult for me to comprehend, moving from anger and hate, to not caring, to being at peace. For me, means I've achieved this, as I written under letting it go.

Passive aggression.

Dealing with issues, in an outwardly non-aggressive manner, is something that either comes naturally to us. Or is something we learn to do over time, this is how we are taught and expected to behave, after all.

We regularly exhibit resistance to requests, we procrastinate, doing anything in our power, not to carry out the task, or tasks, that we have been asked to undertake.

Or we see, as having been 'set' for us to undertake, by another individual. It becomes difficult, for us not to display signs of sullenness, to become stubborn and simply look and feel, uninvolved.

Difficulty also arises, when we are extremely angry, furious even, yet, we are unable to communicate or discuss issues, in a reasonable manner, if at all.

We avoid the people, that are causing us to feel this way, people we are unable to deal with. This is a way we have found, to express our anger, or a dislike of certain individuals.

Aggressive behaviour, a display of anger, is not acceptable in society, relationships, or the workplace. Being unable to be openly aggressive, we run, or hide, getting away from the situation we find ourselves in.

We also have a tendency, not to show our anger, making every effort to appear that we are fine. This behaviour obviously, being directed at anyone, outside of the 'problem area'.

Workplace.

While we are acting in, or reacting to the environment, in a passive aggressive manner. Blaming other people in this environment for their behaviour, however seemingly outrageous it is. We ourselves suffer, and the person, that we are upset with. Likely has no idea why we are acting as we are, simply doesn't care, or do they?

I have witnessed this behaviour, along with others in the environment, this again, allows me to write this in the website. Where we cannot categorically say, our behaviour has no influence over the issues we are experiencing, there is no justification for anyone else’s behaviour in that environment.

We can also become openly aggressive, but not in this environment, that would be unacceptable. Particularly if we are unable express our anger in an assertive way. Sometimes we find ourselves in a position, where the other people involved, are being allowed to act in such a way. Where their behaviour is deemed acceptable and ours is not. Potentially, cautioning these people about their behaviour, might cause more harm than good.

This can lead to us becoming a problem socially, in this environment. Where we attract attention from the authorities, due to our behaviour being unacceptable.

N.B. Speak to the HR dept, this situation is likely affecting your performance at work.

Ourselves.

When we cannot act in the way we would like, and 'sort' the problem out, the issue we believe is causing our anger and stress. When it is judged to be an unacceptable, as an approach to a resolution. It becomes a real problem.

Maybe, it's simply not the way we are, we don't enjoy confrontation. Or maybe it is who we believe we are, this becoming highly damaging and frustating. Then, who is the brunt of our anger, when we can't resolve the problem?

Emotions.

One thing we must be aware of, I've again, briefly discussed this earlier. When we are projecting anger, we are perceived by others, to be behaving in a threatening manner. We all possess, the fight or flight response. It is dependent on where these people are in their own lives, how they have been conditioned by their own experiences, as to how they react to us.

If we have a distorted view of reality, causing us to act in a distorted manner. Then it is likely they also have a distorted view of reality, which is affecting the way they perceive us, causing them to act in a similar manner.

In our childhood, our relationship with positive and negative feelings, is often deemed, good or bad. This leads us to believe, they are exactly that, emotions are there to guide us, they are not good or bad. If we are angry, there is a reason for this. Our emotions, give us direction, signalling us...is our thinking correct or incorrect?

Our ego, likes to assign a friend or enemy tag, to our emotions. We then decide to attach to that feeling, or fight against it, either way our ego wins, becoming stronger.

fight, flight or hide