My Story.
Share Holder/Partner in a Successful Business.
At nineteen years old, this was it.
We had decided to start our own business,
believing we were able to do a better job than our current employer.
For numerous reasons, the four of us had had enough of working in the current environment,
an unhealthy place, where it was wise not to say certain things in front of certain people.
Backstabbing, jealousy, and competition, along with a manufactured air of threat, were constant.
Where I learned a great deal about my profession, working with some skilled, experienced professionals,
it's become quite apparent over the last decade or so, that for years, I hadn't understood the politics of business.
What amazed me, we managed to take all the negatives from one environment into a new one we were creating.
This, of course, is where interpersonal relationships come into play, a lack of self-awareness, apportioning blame,
as opposed to taking responsibility for the way we all felt about ourselves and each other.
Controlling and forcing, hustling and grinding, ignoring the needs of colleagues/partners as we fought each other
for dominance, with a professional client-facing persona, was the game we played.
Manipulation and tactics took the place of true collaboration, something I picked up on quickly,
but didn't have the tools to remedy.
This toxic environment just drained me further.
I'd been chronically stressed for years, insecure, anxious, angry, unable to sleep,
frustrated, full of guilt and shame... loss, the deep-seated feelings of loss, were constant.
When I was in my teens, I found solace in healthy coping mechanisms, playing sports,
lifting weights, and playing the double bass.
When they were gone due to my rejection of the system, interpersonal relationships, control, all that was left.
Cars, clothes, drinking with friends, partying, in bars, clubs, on month-long trips away.
Probably the worst thing I did, at 23, I told my business partner I'd been offered the opportunity to go on a trip
to South Africa, the British and Irish Lions tour 1997. This was out of respect; I wasn't asking permission.
Being particularly unhealthy, disintegrated within his own personality, you might even say, narcissistic, it's my belief,
he took this to mean I was asking for his permission, which could only lead to him believing he was senior to me in
our business, he was simply older, with more shares; he wasn't the boss he believed himself to be.
Everything was manageable until clients started calling the office to speak directly with me for advice, rather than
him, whom they would previously call to confirm the advice I'd offered was correct.
When this happened, the dynamics changed completely; it didn't take too long before the work we'd done
"together" to help build the business became almost worthless in his opinion.
"There's no money in it." It's clear in reflection, I had quickly become a bigger threat to him than I was previously.
His fragile ego and need to be seen as the go-to man, the expert, wasn't just under threat; it had disappeared.
This is something I refused consciously to accept.
Here is a man earning considerably more money than I was, which I always believed to be unfair,
building and maintaining our website; to me, this didn't make any sense.
He would happily say to customers what I was going to do, what my new role would be, while he did whatever
he wanted, I was undervalued, and undermined constantly, and the others said nothing.
There is a reason for this, obviously. I don't hide the lifestyle I was living; they didn't like it, and tried to do
anything in their power to stop me from living my life the way I wanted to.
Discussions about my health in an open office, where clients and employees could overhear, along with
similar conversations on client sites weren't off limits.
This horrified me, stressed me out more, and made me increasingly angry, but there was no way
I'd be forced out of my business, and what was mine, I'd fight them to the end, and it almost did end.
When you are living in such an environment, even when you are integrated, regulated, it doesn't take long
before you begin to believe the bullshit. When you're a high achiever who's lived through adverse childhood
experiences, negative life experiences, and trauma, C-PTSD, it's almost impossible to deal with healthily.
One of my business partners, a few years after I left the hospital in 2014, said,
"I didn't like what you were doing." Even after I said, "If it wasn't illegal then, it would be now."
The environment is crucial, your perception of it, healing my nervous system (regulation) as I healed
emotionally, mentally (Mindset), physically, and spiritually, allowed me to walk away from it without regret.
In 2014, I set out to change on the level of identity, to change my perception of myself, my self-concept.
I'd been fighting over that business for twenty years. It was only after I'd found balance, calmness, aliveness, peace,
my purpose, and fulfillment, was I able to reject the shares, the money, and the perceived status it would have given
me externally.
In Utero - Prenatal Trauma.
My mother was hemorrhaging blood, kept in the hospital for 4 months, fearing she'd lose me, her baby.
When we discussed this, she explained how fearful she was, stressed out, and anxious.
Epigenetics says - your mother's environment is critical to your development in the womb.
If your mother is stressed, particularly in the 3rd trimester of her pregnancy.
The stress hormones flowing through her system will be transferred to yours.
This means that your nervous system, before you've entered the world, is being primed for stress and anxiety.
Medical trauma without language.
At 18 months old, I was unexpectedly taken to the hospital screaming in pain.
I vaguely remember the event, but my body and nervous system did.
" We'd had a wonderful day at the beach, where you were smiling, laughing, happy."
" Later, you became grouchy, unsettled, upset about something."
This is when I was taken to the hospital and had emergency surgery.
Left by my caregivers, without understanding it, I'd lost my sense of safety, trust, and connection.
I was taken into an operating theater, a clinical, unfamiliar environment.
Without my means of regulating my nervous system, the presence of my caregivers.
This would have created a physiological survival response - fight, flight, freeze.
Unable to fight or run, I would have gone into the freeze state.
At this age, I didn't have the language to process what was happening.
There would have been no cognitive understanding, but there would have been a full sensory imprint.
My body would have recorded this as a trauma, not just because of what happened to it/me, but what didn't happen.
The silencing of self.
When anger and frustration were not allowed.
Before we moved, which means before the age of 5 - long before some people
even remember their early childhood - I was told something that would have a
lifelong impact on my nervous system, emotional development, and relationship with self
until I decided to change everything that had been holding me back in life.
You cannot express your anger and frustration the way you are, or have been doing,
your behaviour isn't acceptable.
This wasn't just a moment of parenting correction. It was an emotional shutdown.
I now learned to repress/suppress my emotions and how to regulate my nervous system.
At 5 years of age
Moving to another town, many miles away from where I'd lived with my by-now good friends, and importantly, grandparents close by, in an environment I loved, and felt safe in,
was at first an adventure.
It didn't take long, however, for me to feel like I didn't belong with my new friends, who were extremely close, had been in nursery (kindergarten) together, and to this day have a strong bond.
I missed my grandparents, my friends, who I'd seen almost every day, and the place we'd lived in,
naturally, I loved seeing them and visiting.
During one of my early visits, a girl, who used to live along the street from us, said
What are you doing here, you don't belong here any longer, you live there now.
It hit me like a tonne of bricks, it was extremely upsetting, where did I belong?
It's not with my new friends, in an environment where I don't feel safe.
Now, I don't belong here any longer, I don't feel safe.
At 11 years of age
We lived in a village just outside the catchment area for the school that my friends, with whom I'd now developed a relationship (still feeling like I didn't belong), were going to attend.
I would be attending a different school in another town, and the idea of this mortified me all summer.
When a small number of us arrived, we were put in a gymnasium to wait for our classes to be announced.
I was one of the first to be called to stand up in front of a barn full of other children I did not know.
This was horrendous; not only did I have to make friends all over again, but they were also all watching me.
At this point, I did what I'd learned to do: I would control my fear by controlling the situation I found myself in.
Throwing my bag over my shoulder and pumping up my chest,
I confidently walked across the room in front of everyone. Inside, I was petrified.
This way of dealing with my discomfort became who I was, and who I'd project into the world.
It was at this time that I was bullied,
which caused a great deal of stress and anxiety,
as well as frustration, because they were older, and I felt helpless.
Of course, this situation was made more difficult because I refused to tell anyone in authority,
who might have been able to help, and I decided I'd deal with it on my own.
Authority figures, teachers, particularly, I'd learned to distrust.
After fighting on day one in my new school,
I'd already been warned that if I had another fight,
I would be expelled from the school.
Which meant that when another boy in my school year wanted to fight me.
I couldn't defend myself due to the restrictions that had been placed on me.
I sat there while he punched me repeatedly in the nose/face, until I was covered in blood.
Later on that year, another older boy decided he'd threaten me, so I defended myself.
After being marched off to the deputy head teacher's office, I was caned, punished for doing so.
What I didn't understand was that my nervous system was learning that authority figures cannot be trusted; they aren't safe.
At 14 Years of age
I lost a grandfather not long before my fifteenth birthday.
My grandfather, in my eyes a giant, who'd had a huge influence on my childhood and this was
a devastating experience.
I wasn’t prepared for it and didn’t expect to lose him so young.
He was there as I grew up, I respected, loved, and listened to him, where I might not have listened to
my father.
I'd spend time with him, as often as possible...he had a brain hemorrhage at 62
I went to see him at the hospital once but didn't enjoy the experience, so didn't return.
I'd see him after the brain surgery, and we'd carry on as before.
This opportunity didn't materialize, I also didn't have the chance to tell him.
How much I loved him, what a massive positive influence he had been in my life.
He was gone forever - and I couldn't be bothered to give him my time - this is how I saw it.
Unfortunately, I'd reached a point in my life, where I was almost nothing about how I felt.
The anger, guilt, and hate I felt at this time was overwhelming.
My outlook on life changed, I began acting out of character and behaving in ways
I would never have thought about previously.
Not caring what the consequences might be.
By the time I was sixteen, I believe I’d stopped growing emotionally, by eighteen, or nineteen,
the healthy activities I enjoyed greatly, such as rugby and music were over.
For me now alcohol was the preferred way of dealing with life.
I’d always enjoyed the confidence it gave me and the way I felt almost instantly.
Pretty much all my spare time was spent drinking alcohol, it was the only pastime I wanted.
Drinking, clubbing, and traveling with my friends, having a great time.
At 16 Years of agei
I took my mother's car out, illegally, underage, without a licence, insurance, or permission.
Crashing it into a telegraph pole a couple of miles from home, this was the first time I almost
killed my girlfriend, friends, and the person everyone seemed to forget about, myself.
Leaving the scene of the accident, with the car so badly damaged that the rear passengers
were able to exit the two-door car without tilting the front seats forward.
I carried the consequences of this accident around with me for decades.
At 19 Years of age
I took a company-owned car, which I'd been told I wasn't allowed to drive out.
A colleague suggested we use this car for a long journey the following day.
As I was driving my girlfriend home in the rain, I crashed the car, rolling it over
with my friend lying across the back seat.
This was the second time I'd almost killed the same girlfriend, friends, and myself.
The fallout from the accidents only made the levels of stress, anxiety, frustration,
insecurities, and insomnia worse.
Relationships were Difficult
It wasn't easy to allow people to become too close to me.
I’d already decided that I wouldn’t allow anything to affect me like that in life again.
I allowed myself to be vulnerable, only on another couple of occasions, I was, however, still guarded, not sharing how I
deeply felt, and lost them, adding to the growing stream of loss in my life.
When I lost my second grandfather, I didn’t truly grieve; I went through the motions of being there for my mother and
grandmother.
Visiting him before he died and going to his funeral because this is what you do.
This had consequences; realistically, romantic relationships were a disaster, however long they lasted.
Without consciously thinking about it, I couldn’t commit to them.
I couldn’t be with the person, yet I didn’t want to be without them. When they did finally disintegrate, the loss of that
person and seeing them with someone else was still catastrophic.
In my late teens and early twenties, family relationships had already become strained, so I moved in with friends on
several occasions to eliminate conflict. Later, relationships behind the scenes became dysfunctional.
A " Problem " with Idiots
One of the issues I pretty much always had in my life was fighting for control,
or, to not be controlled, particularly by anyone I didn't respect.
This caused many issues.
We are taught from a very young age
that we must adhere to the rules if we are to fit in and be a part of the tribe/society.
If you'd not earned my respect, you'd not get any, even when you demanded it.
Teachers, coaches, parents, or anyone else who believed they should be respected because of their
standing or position in life meant nothing to me.
I had, however, learned how to play the game, and I'd be happy to give them the impression.
I respected them if it made my life easier.
This had become automatic before I left school and entered the working environment.
Where I was introduced to another world of backstabbing, bullying, manipulation, and politics.
It was clear to me at this point that I must up my game if I was going to survive in this environment.
A couple of years later, a group of us decided to start our own business together.
We had an opportunity to create something fresh and new, but we managed to take
all the negative aspects of the old environment with us.
The worst thing I did at 23 years of age was discuss an upcoming month-long trip
to South Africa with one of my business partners, he took it as if I was asking his permission.
This further allowed him to believe he was my boss, in charge, which would go on to cause
mayhem, added to his need to be seen as special, needed, and better than others.
I'd fought him and my other business partner for 20 years.
To my mind, they were spineless fools who believed themselves to be better than they were
full of fear, ego, and a need to look good to others, working together to achieve their goals.
This collapsed, one afternoon at the office, when one of them showed his true colours
much to the dismay of the other - " I was naive "
What, for 20 years, I asked...
Bleeding
I’d been vomiting blood and bile for many years;
Also experiencing unstoppable, flowing nose bleeds and gastric bleeding.
A couple of people were aware of this, suggesting that this shouldn’t be happening, and I should see a doctor.
I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone who might be able to help.
The thoughts of what might be causing this to happen were just too much.
I carried on, worrying about the situation and hoping it wouldn’t happen again, living an unhealthy lifestyle, and
suffering from sleep deprivation and a lack of nutrition. Food was generally sugary drinks and sweets; I had not had a
healthy appetite for years.
This, combined with a substantial intake of alcohol, made it difficult to function.
My health was the topic of conversation at the office one morning.
I was looking and feeling terrible.
One of my business partners mentioned that the cause of the problem with my blocked or streaming sinuses,
was my liver.
Due to my level of alcohol consumption.
An Intravenous Drip at 30
After a discussion at our office, one of my partners seemed to be aware of alcohol consumption and liver function.
Clearly, he'd been discussing the subject.
As opposed to explaining or attempting to help, he looked across the office as I coughed,
and said it's his liver making him that way.
At this point, I thought I'd prove a point and decided to stop drinking alcohol immediately.
This is extremely dangerous and shouldn’t be done without consulting your doctor.
Next, I started taking prescribed antibiotics for my sinuses, and shortly afterward, I began to hallucinate.
I hadn’t been honest with a doctor about the alcohol.
Experiencing a psychotic episode, I was rushed by ambulance to the nearest hospital,
where this continued for several days.
After a week on an intravenous drip, I was discharged and told my liver was damaged.
Never drink alcohol again, or you'll die.
Nobody asked
What is it about yourself and your life that makes you want to live the way you do?
I addressed this many years later while discussing my health with a specialist in the medical
team, who continued to monitor my holistic return to health.
Life was unbearable
Life became a real torment. I’d begun to hate it now, no longer just myself and others
I now believed that long-time friends and others who had more than I did were better.
Around this time, I started seeing a counselor.
This didn’t work out, once he’d told me that my business partners had issues of their own.
I made another foolish decision. It wasn’t my fault or responsibility.
There was nothing I could change about the situation; it was down to someone else to sort it out.
The laughing and joking just became harder; superficially smiling was tough.
The facade was no longer enough; the traveling had stopped, along with my escape.
Going to my pub, my comfort zone, had become somewhat of a prison.
I'd go there to be, on my own, around others, because I hated being in my own company.
I don’t think I was fooling anyone any longer, including myself.
Somewhere along the line, after a frank discussion with my doctor about relationships at work,
I’d been prescribed antidepressants, which I was taking while consuming alcohol.
This didn’t work out well; vomiting became frequent,
my tolerance to alcohol was greatly diminished, and I was finding it more difficult to think.
Relationships were difficult.
It was difficult allowing people to become too close to me. I’d already decided that I wouldn’t allow anything to affect me like that in life again. When I lost my second grandfather I didn’t really grieve, I simply went through the motions of being there for my mother and grandmother. Visiting him before he died and going to his funeral, because this is what you do.
This had consequences, realistically romantic relationships were a disaster however long they lasted. Without consciously thinking about it, I couldn’t commit to them. I couldn’t be with the person, yet I didn’t want to be without them. When they did finally disintegrate, the loss of that person and seeing them with someone else, was still however, catastrophic.
In the dark of night
Those small hours
Uncertain and anxious
I need to call you
By My Side...INXS
That wonderful thing.
I'm not sure now, what world I was living in. I'd listen to this song, over and over. It's an easy thing to say after it's gone, you'd have done anything to have certain people remain in your life. Where we may not know why, we feel the way we do. There is every likelihood, we know something isn't right.
The decision we must make, which I wasn't prepared to do, because firstly, I was superficially happy and 'comfortable' living the way I was. Secondly, there were also, too many issues to resolve, and of course, they weren't even my fault.
What do we really want in life? Is it to remain angry, blaming and hating? Fighting everything, living in stress and fear of being judged, never finding peace.
Or finding it, only after we've ended up on our knees.
We don't have to be on our knees, lose face, or the people we love, ourselves included, before we find peace. Making the change before this happens, is a far easier way, of transforming our lives.
Grief.
Recently, my mother and I, were discussing a visit to the doctor we had made when I was around fifteen years of age. How I must have given the doctor, the impression that it was only grief I was suffering with, when we discussed the situation without her being present.
For some reason, which was likely to be, I couldn't show anyone, how this was affecting me. Although my mother had stated, she believed I was suffering with more than simply grief. The doctor explained, he believed it was only grief and nothing more.
Clearly, I was suffering from the loss of my grandfather and this is tough, as anyone that has experienced it, is fully aware. However, there were many other issues that were out of character, which were being reflected in my behaviour.
While reflecting on this huge loss in my life, it is clear now, not being prepared for it, if you can be at that age. I'd also suffered the loss, of my expectations, how life was going to be, my plan had been blown apart.
We can explain away, much of our behaviour, when we are in our teens and early twenties. Also, developing strategies for coping. It's widely accepted, that we will grow out of it, learn to live and deal with life, and become an 'adult'.
Family relationships.
In my late teens and early twenties family relationships had already started to become strained which led to me moving in with friends on several occasions, just to get away from the conflict. Later, relationships behind the scenes became dysfunctional.
When we aren't becoming an 'acceptable' adult, reaching the age of twenty-four or twenty-five. It becomes more difficult to explain away our behaviour, although one recent study shows, the average male doesn't mature until he is 43 years of age.
Being unable to deal with our anger, insecurities, procrastination and the stresses of life. To function effectively in society, relationships, both romantic and workplace, becomes a real issue. Leading to us under performing in all these areas, whatever the underlying reasons, or triggers are for our behaviour.
From my experience, hitting thirty was when it had all begun to completely fall apart. It becomes impossible, to continue with the facade, life is great, when really it wasn't.
Emotions and work.
The emotions I was living with and the way I’d dealt with them effected my working life tremendously. I was unable to deal with colleague’s in a professional manner, after I believed I’d been lied to and wronged. The cycle of anger, hate, the stress of the situation and alcohol consumption, simply got worse.
I’d always been competitive, now though my working life had very quickly, become a battle which I didn’t intend to lose.
Life really was all about drinking, laughing and forgetting, the added distraction of travelling with friends whenever possible was an incredible way of achieving this goal.
Bleeding.
I’d been vomiting blood and bile for many years; Also experiencing unstoppable, flowing nose bleeds and gastric bleeding. A couple of people were aware of this, suggesting that this shouldn’t be happening, I should see a doctor. I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone that might be able to help. The thoughts of what might be causing this to happen were just too much.
I simply carried on, worrying about the situation and hoping it wouldn’t happen again, living a totally unhealthy lifestyle, suffering from sleep deprivation and a lack of nutrition. Food was generally sugary drinks and sweets; I’d not had a healthy appetite for years. This combined with a substantial intake of alcohol, made it difficult to function.
Delerium Tremens (DT's).
My health was the topic of conversation at the office one morning. I was looking and feeling terrible. Somebody mentioned that the cause of the problem with my blocked or streaming sinuses, was my liver. Due to my level of alcohol consumption.
I decided to stop drinking alcohol immediately, this is extremely dangerous and shouldn’t be done without consulting your doctor.
Next, I started taking prescribed antibiotics for my sinuses, shortly afterwards I began to hallucinate. I hadn’t been honest with a doctor about the alcohol. Experiencing what has been described as psychotic episode, after more research, it was the DT's (Delirium tremens) the antibiotics could have made the situation worse or not. I was rushed by ambulance to the nearest hospital, where this continued for several days. After a week on an intravenous drip I was discharged and told my liver was damaged. Never drink alcohol again.
A break from alcohol.
I had a few weeks without alcohol, I’d been coping with life for such a long-time using it, I couldn’t comprehend how I was going to live without it in the longer term. Figuring out, what I’d use as a support mechanism and for the feel-good factor at that time, was beyond me. It was never my intention to stop. I invented a story that I’d be alright if I only drunk products containing less volume of alcohol and no spirits.
A phased return.
On my phased return to work and before I'd begun drinking again, with the benefit of hindsight, I'm not surprised. One of my business partners, deemed it acceptable, to discuss my health, in an office full of people. He'd also done this at a customer site, previously.
How 'he' wanted me to come into the office, more days in the week. This without any discussion concerning my health, or calling a meeting of the other directors concerned, which would have made it professional.
Anger, anxiety, hate, stress and everything else I'd suffered with, now went to another level. I'd only had a break from alcohol, I'd not addressed any of the issues I had in life and certainly not learned how to deal with myself, or them.
Having walked back into this working environment, that I couldn’t deal with and couldn’t wait to get away from, was an issue. Not being prepared to quit, be bullied and lose face, or my potential future. I decided to carry on in the manner I had done previously.
Being honest, once I’d started consuming alcohol again, the original cycle had restarted, now though, it had become a spiral.
Life became unbearable.
Life became a real torment. I’d began to hate it now, no longer just myself and some other people. I now believed that long-time friends and people in general really, that had more than me, were better than me.
Around this time, I started going to see a counsellor. This didn’t work out, once he’d told me that, a person I worked with had issues of his own. I made another foolish decision. It wasn’t my fault and there was nothing I could do about the situation; it was down to someone else to sort it out.
Inner voice.
I discuss this subject, throughout the site. Obviously, primarily, under inner speech.
The negativity of the voices in my own head were extremely powerful, the judge, was constantly telling me, there was no way I could do it on my own, that I'd fail. I was useless, worthless, look at what you've become. That I was weak, allowing people, to make me feel this way about myself and life.
Next it would be the victim, telling me how people, for instance, I'd played rugby with. Had the cap that 'we' deserved. Or that they weren't as I good as 'us', even when they didn't play in the same position, and 'we' were no longer playing the game.
'We' hated what people were achieving, at all levels, when ‘we’ were achieving nothing. Not for one moment, did 'we' believe the achievements were a credit to them, for all their hard work.
Strangely...we've got a great life, look at the car 'we' drive, the clothes 'we' wear, everyone would love to have these things and this life. This being particularly twisted, due to the fact, I was literally killing myself, wearing clothes that were too big and couldn't drive the car, because I was drinking.
Consistently...these people won't beat 'us', don't give in to them. I'd hate the person I’d become, if I did, and, what 'we' could and should do, to resolve the problem.
Anti-depressants.
The years between thirty and forty, for the most part, were a disaster. The laughing and joking just became harder, superficially smiling was tough. The facade was no longer enough, the travelling had stopped, along with my escape. Going to my pub, my comfort zone, had become somewhat of a prison. I don’t think I was fooling anyone any longer, including myself.
Somewhere along the line after a frank discussion with my doctor about relationships in work, I’d been prescribed antidepressants which I was taking whilst consuming alcohol.
This really didn’t work out well. I was consuming so much alcohol, friends told me I needed to stop, if I was going continue taking those tablets. It was as if my tolerance to alcohol had been greatly diminished, I was finding it hard to think.
Please read. Anti-depressants, under Suffering with depression.
Alone in the world.
I believed now that I was all alone. Nobody cared including myself. Where I never really gave suicide a great deal of thought. At my worst there was only one reoccurring thought that stopped me doing something irreversible. I just didn’t want to be here any longer. I was giving up; the fighting had been going on too long and nothing was getting better.
In my mind now, it's impossible to beat them all.
I’d had enough, it was like living with someone you didn’t really know and didn’t particularly like. I had lost the person I thought I was long ago, wondered where he had gone, but saw no way of ever seeing him again.
A long time coming.
Eventually the inevitable happened, I collapsed my body had also had enough. I ended up in intensive care for a week, almost dead and then on a hospital ward for a further six. The psychiatrist after some discussion with my specialist, a close friend and my father discharged me, on the proviso that I was brought back if my mental health and behaviour became any worse. Unable to walk unaided but happy to be alive, we left the hospital.
I have alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver. At that time, also varices and an acute duodenum (ulcer), which have cleared up without medication. When mentioning training, during a discussion with my specialist, I was told that I would probably have difficulty gaining muscle due to the condition of my liver. Doctor’s also said, balancing might be difficult and when I couldn’t remember people’s names or speak properly, that I could have brain damage.
The condition my body, brain and mind were in at this time, was something that I wasn't prepared to accept. While discussing my diagnosis with the specialist, I told him I'd prove him wrong. To which he replied, I hope you do. I had every intention of proving to him, what could be achieved with the correct mindset.
Obviously, I understand I’m not the first person to recover in such a way, importantly, I don't want to be the last.
The Epiphany.
The way I had perceived and dealt with life previously, no matter how I'd felt about it. Would have to change, dramatically.
Existing not living.
I'd given my power away long enough, it was time to take it back, to be aware of my unconscious thoughts and emotions. How I acted on them or reacted to them. Understanding that I am more than those thoughts, and that I would need to quieten my mind, 'sacking the narrators'.
I'd also existed long enough, I committed myself to change my way of life. Constructing a plan of action to break the bad habits and create healthy new ones. All the self-defeating beliefs I'd had would have to be discarded and new ones formalised.
Visualising myself being fit and healthy. Enjoying activities like I once did. Walking first, with friends every morning, which was painful. After a few weeks, being strong enough to walk over a nearby mountain. Joining the gym, which was daunting at first, I'd lost most of my muscle mass and strength. I was fearful of what people would say.
Being uncomfortable was something I realised I'd have to get used to, if I was going to become the person I wanted to be.
Personal trainer.
Employing a personal trainer, once a week, and building a relationship with him. Understanding I’d not trained in the gym for many years and would require guidance, in order to get results. Added to many, what seemed to be extremely early training sessions, with my supportive friends. It wasn't too long before I achieved a decent level of fitness, allowing me to move forward.
During this time, I learned about nutrition for fuelling the brain and body. Learning how to eat properly again, not worrying about, 'this week’s diet'. I'd also begun to monitor my sleep to see if I was experiencing healthy sleeping patterns.
Being introduced to cycling by a friend, which was tough, and persevering with it has been one of the best decisions I've ever made. Cycling has given me the opportunity to be in another place mentally, allowing me to contemplate the issues that had almost destroyed me. It's allowed me to make some difficult yet essential decisions about life, my career and future. It's also aided me in changing the way I perceive myself.
The unknown.
Deciding not to walk back into an environment that was reaffirming my relationship to anger, hate and stress. I no longer cared about what I'd potentially lose financially, I didn't feel like I was running away, or worry that I'd lost the fight. Believing that this had given me the opportunity to achieve something constructive in life, helping people.
Using cycling as a tool to get me past my growth edges, had proven what could be achieved with intent, a positive attitude and action. I now understood, I'd been using all the energy I'd previously been pouring into negativity, in a positive way. This had allowed me to achieve everything I'd set my mind to, in a relatively short period of time.
A Lifecoach.
I'd now reached a point where I'd achieved all I could with the help of my friends and contemplation about the next move while cycling. I wanted to learn more, as quickly as possible. Contacting a coach and building a relationship, has been invaluable.
Background.
Discussing life as it had been, my story. Making me aware, it wasn't his place to be my therapist, we simply needed a baseline to work from. Discovering that where I thought I'd dealt with the loss of my grandfather, and that it couldn't be influencing me now. This wasn't necessarily true; I consciously didn't think about him anymore. When I did think about him, I'd become upset and stop immediately.
Resolution.
I've now discussed my grandfather's loss with my father, how we dealt with it at the time. Agreeing, this was the first time it had happened to either of us, we had no previous experience of how to deal with such a loss. Shedding a tear or two over him, I've also thought about him and discussed him with friends. Looking back at the short time we had together with love, cherishing the memories of him, without it affecting me emotionally in a negative way.
Understanding.
My coach and I also discussed what had been achieved in my personal growth and development, since leaving the hospital. Together we formulated a plan of action, enabling me to continue to be successful in my endeavour to maintain a contented and fulfilled life.
I now possess a firm understanding of what was happening to my brain, and me as a person, when I was cycling, thinking and meditating. On several occasions, I’d made references to contemplation and mobile meditation when out riding and subsequently naming and posting my rides.
This knowledge, being applicable to anyone.
Neuro science.
I've gained this knowledge by investing in myself and spending time, travelling to Edinburgh and London. Attending live events, on human consciousness and personal growth, hosted by neuroscientists and quantum physicists, plus reading many books.
Becoming interested in biological evidence, that our brain and our thoughts have an overall effect on our health. This obviously, giving me insight into my own healing and recovery.
Attempting to digest as much of the latest scientific research, that has been taking place, utilising brain scans and the study of behaviour, over the last decade or so, as possible.
Added to what I believed to be fundamental methods of moving forward (which were highly successful, achieving fantastic results), accompanied by numerous coaching courses and the study of NLP. This allows for structure, while being completely flexible in my approach to coaches, own personal growth.
Along with listening to and discussing issues with anyone that wanted to talk. Has given me a realistic world understanding of the whole process of change and moving forward in whatever way is desired.
A different life.
Being fitter and healthier than I ever imagined I could be. Understanding myself more than I ever have, I'm much closer to becoming my authentic, unmasked, self.
I've spent time contemplating and meditating about the most effective ways of accepting and dealing with my thoughts and emotions, realising that they weren't simply going to vanish because I'd almost died.
I can no longer be the person that was unhealthily competitive about life, understanding it nearly put me in an early grave.
The realisation that, attempting to control everything and subsequently losing control, had a profoundly negative effect on my life. It would no longer be viable for me to continue with this behaviour.
A new world.
I've started travelling again, now though I experience and have a real appreciation of how beautiful the places I visit are and the world itself is.
Hating no one, the self-loathing and guilt are gone. The constant dialog in my head has disappeared and I've thrown away my mask. I've learned to love and accept myself for who I am right now, with the intention, to never stop evolving as a person.
Important relationships, which were neglected and lost, with family and old friends, have been rebuilt.
I've discussed my decision to give up playing rugby with my coach and how mixed up my thoughts were at that time, which was an extremely positive experience.
I'm learning to play the bass guitar, the enjoyment of playing and listening to music is an important part of my life, as it once was.
New beliefs.
The old beliefs have been scrapped, replaced with positive new ones, that will help me in life. I am grateful for and love living life every day, I haven't drunk alcohol since leaving the hospital, importantly I've broken my addiction to 'my pub’, although I've never stopped using it.
Family relationships have never been better, we have moved on from the horrendous past, we enjoy each other’s company like we used to, spending lots of quality time together.
Breaking my clavacle.
This was an unexpected turn of events, while cycling in Italy, I came off the bike and broke my collarbone. Preventing me from participating in the activities that I now loved, for a couple of months at least. I was also unable to drive.
As it transpired, a couple of months, became five and a half months. Unable to ride a bike, or train in pretty much any way, for almost half of the year.
Could have been worse.
Not for a moment did I feel or think, why did this have to happen? What was I going to do now? Or that it had set me back in any way. I had no negativity about the situation, it hadn't affected how I felt, it could have been worse and other than concentrating on recovering, there was no point in wasting any energy on thinking about it.
This was a true test of how much I'd grown, previously a situation like this, where things hadn't gone according to plan. Would have been a real issue for me, I'd have found it difficult to deal with.
Wearing the sling, simply because the doctor at A&E asked me to, until I'd seen the consultant. Only then wearing a sling, when I was walking longer distances, of up to twelve miles a day.
Operation and recovery.
Thankfully, a surgeon I met on a cycling trip, operated on my shoulder and put a plate in there, this enabled me to get back into training as soon as was possible.
There were some major positives to be taken from this, it's very easy to say, nothing that happens will affect how I feel, a change in circumstances or external events and my feelings internally.
Stress and our body.
I now understand that stress, basically, shuts down our immune system. Our body doesn't need to repair, if it is preparing to run, or fight. Also believing, our body can deal with pain, as well as repair itself, without the need for medication. The fact that my stomach and oesophagus have been confirmed twice, by a specialist after carrying out endoscopies, to look like there has never been anything wrong with them, supports this argument.
Genetically, there are only a small percentage of human beings, that are born with a disease. It is our reaction to the environment influencing our emotional state. Which sends a signal to the cells, which up-regulate, or down-regulate, the expression of our genes. When we send positive instructions to our cells, the gene produces an up-regulated protein and vise, versa. Epigenetics says, we are not victims of our genes.
When we are in homeostasis, our immune system functions correctly, the body produces immunogloblins which work to fight infections. When we are aware of our thoughts, become positive, the effect of pain which is a stress on our body, is reduced. We are much better able to deal with pain, our perception of it is different.
Post operation, although I was supplied with them by the hospital, I didn't take a pain killer, I allowed my body to deal with the recovery and lack of pain. Visiting the physiotherapy department, the physiotherapist was surprised to see I didn't require any treatment, mentioning my mindset in respect to my recovery.
Six weeks after the operation, the first ride I'd decided I'd like to do, was the Bwlch mountain road. When we change our focus and beliefs, we can achieve anything in life.
Confidence.
Being genuinely confident without the use of alcohol, has allowed me to do so much more. I've addressed my insecurities and feelings of not being enough. It's also enabled me to create the new life I needed, which incorporates numerous healthy friendships.
Confidence also allows me to be comfortable saying, I understand that although I'm no longer living in my past, it is my greatest teacher and I am who I am today because of the choices I made yesterday. Enabling me to create my future in the present moment, as opposed to living in it.
We are all unique, perceiving and dealing with situations in very different ways, when choosing the coach you'd like to work with, it helps if you can talk to someone who you believe might have experienced something which although it couldn't be exactly the same, you might be able to draw a comparison with.
All personal achievement starts in the mind of the individual. Your personal achievenment starts in your mind. The first step is to know exactly what your problem, goal and desire is.
W. Clement Stone.
The website.
While writing the website, sharing my story, without making that story a book. I've not only found the process therapeutic, but on times quite difficult. I've in no way wanted to convey a person, that remains angry or bitter. I have attempted to remove any venom, that was flowing through me previously, I have moved on in my life. There is no way it would have been possible to share my thoughts and inner most feelings with people, if I hadn't.
"It isn't the snake bite that kills you, it's the venom that continues to pour through your veins"
Process of transformation.
From the outset, I planned to approach my own process of change in a holistic manner. The activities I have chosen to participate in and use as tools, to implement that change. While becoming enjoyable and now something I very much love to do, most of them were not activities I was particularly fond of earlier in life.
I have a complete understanding, that some of the activities I have utilised, may be something that you are indifferent to. There is a vast amount of activities available, to be used as a tool in the process of moving forward, it is the result we are concerned with, not the activities.
Everything on this site, is written from personal experience, which is in the past. I apportion no blame. Everyone involved in the situation acted, at that time, as they had been conditioned to act, by their own lives and experiences.
Realistically, at that time, I'd become a walking bundle of negativity, I could see very little good in life. All I managed to achieve was, to cause hurt and destruction.
Accepting, it's all been part of my journey, where previously it was tough, I'm now loving every moment of it. I've never felt more at ease with myself and also I believe, found my purpose.
It's also important to point out, although I in no way dismiss the issues I've experienced. Taking responsibility for my life, successfully moving forward and reinventing myself, has completely changed my perception of it, and I have not looked back.
Changing Your Identity - Perception of Yourself
To change your life and make it sustainable, you must start with your identity,
which is what you identify with.
Your identity gives you your sense of self; it makes you unique,
where you will have things in common with other people.
No one else has the same combination of traits as you.
Identity is composed of many elements, both internal and external.
Your personality, culture, relationships, experiences, beliefs, gender,
and other factors all combine to influence who you are and how you see others.
These are some of the factors that can contribute to your identity:
- Physical appearance
- Physical sensations
- Emotional traits
- Education
- Profession
- Life experiences
- Genetics
- Health conditions
- Family
- Nationality
- Race Ethnicity
- Social community
- Peer groups
- Political environment
- Language
- Religion
- Spirituality
- \gender or gender identity
- Sexuality
- Personality
- Interests
- Goals
- Values
- Beliefs
- Memeories
- Finances
Your identity is a fluid concept shaped by your experiences, values, and choices,
which change over time. It's not a fixed state, because you are constantly growing and evolving.
When identity becomes a rigid self-concept, it can prevent personal growth and keep us stuck.
It easily manifests into an inability to adapt, a fear of change,
and a feeling of being stuck in a fixed way of being.
Understanding that you are not your identity, as you create a new one, which isn't rigid but flexible,
helps you grow and move forward in life, a non-fixed identity allows for adaptation and resilience
when faced with life's challenges.
I can help you create new beliefs.
Together we can explore what beliefs are holding you back and where they came from. Create new healthy beliefs that will add to your contentment in life, enhancing your ability to achieve whatever you set your mind to.
I can help you be comfortable being you.
A journey, an exploration into who you are, find out what makes you tick. Quieten your mind, become confident and relaxed in life.