!!! DENIAL THEN RESIGNATION !!!
In reflection,
I’d clearly been in denial for many years, the amount alcohol I was consuming, along with the frequency of it, was also a clear sign of this.We don’t however have to be consuming vast quantities, every day, for us to have a dependency issue with alcohol.
There was absolutely no way I was admitting there was a problem, the very thought of attending meetings to discuss the situation with others, to me, was a joke.To my mind at the time, I didn’t do such things, I certainly didn’t admit I’d lost control, that anyone, or anything was controlling me.
The identity I’d created, couldn’t be seen in meetings, discussing how his life had fallen apart with others. Admitting they needed help, about something they weren’t hiding, not a chance.I was a director in a business, I couldn’t possibly have a ‘drink problem’, I was stressed due to relationships in and work, that’s all I would focus on…other people, had those issues in their lives, not me.
Hanging onto the concept of who I thought I was and importantly who I thought I’d become, allowed me to simply maintain my unconscious existence.Drag myself out of bed, reluctantly go to the office, smile and say good morning to people I’d been awake most of the night ‘thinking’ about, go to the pub, drink heavily and repeat.
Eventually though, this lifestyle and the way I thought, became a prison, there was seemingly no way out of it. I’d resigned myself to the inevitable, but these people and life wouldn’t be seen to beat me.The thought of AA, attending meetings, was completely alien to me, obviously, I still believe they weren’t and aren’t for me.
The reasons for this importantly have changed, when asked if I would like to attend meetings, I politely declined, I’d not focused on alcohol and didn’t intend to start now.I’d left that behind, learned from the experience and was moving forward. I’d failed to understand, it was the relationship I had with myself, plus the alcohol the use of alcohol to cope with life, that had left me incapable of dealing with life and ultimately almost killed me.