In reflection, knowing myself better than I ever have, along with my personality type, which I will never hide behind. Not caring about the consequences of my thoughts and behaviour, after losing my grandfather. The anger and guilt that followed this experience. I also cared too much about the unimportant things in life, which added to my insecurities.
Recently, I was discussing my life and what had transpired, with an ex-partner, at a mutual friend’s party. How I’d decided to leave the business behind, walk away from it, because I’d had enough of the fighting. She replied, “It was never any good for you anyway”.
I also mentioned, I don’t care anymore, to which she replied, “you never really did”. I meant this in a healthy way, I’d let it go, these feelings were no longer controlling my life. I went onto to explain, it was actually quite the opposite, “don’t you get it?, I cared too much”.
I now understand, by making statements and thinking nothing will ever hurt me like that again. Consciously, I wanted to be with my partners, nobody had informed my subconscious of this. Being run from our subconscious mind 95% of the time, we can want something consciously, if our subconscious isn’t on board, we will sabotage ourselves and our relationships.
Aside from the stated fact, I wasn’t prepared to be beaten, and leave the business behind. I was destroying relationships because I would not commit to them. I vividly remember the day my partner was knocking my door at home, and I wouldn’t answer, because my mind was so mixed up about what I actually wanted, and what I was able to truly commit to.
I also believed, they wanted a person that could provide a great life for them, who was earning good money. I never bothered to discuss with them how they felt about the situation, other than the fact I spent little time with them, outside of socialising. I now understand of course, if a relationship is based upon money, there would have been issues anyway. It wouldn’t have been a relationship; I would have wanted.
Another important thing, I’ve reflected upon. Everyone I was involved with, over the years, had their own issues, which is normal. I do believe however, with an open discussion, and less assumptions, where the relationships might not have lasted in the longer term. They would have ended naturally, not in a forced way, probably before we’d worked out, if they, would work out.