Real life ‘Letting it go’

So, I’m at my parents’ house, they’ve been away on holiday to celebrate my mother’s 70th birthday. I’ve picked up some bread, meat and milk for them. Just in case they’d like a bite to eat, when they arrive home from the airport. It’s just me and the dog, I’ve also just picked her up from the lady she lodges with when they go away, if they don’t take her with them, of course. She barks and the lights come on outside, opening the door, I see one of my ex-business partners standing there.

From the outset, this was a good experience, there was no feeling or knotting in my gut, no thoughts entering my mind. Everything is just calm, and peaceful, as we say hello and I invite him inside.

It felt no different in anyway, to sitting across a table, chatting and drinking coffee, with a friend. He hasn’t heard from my father in a week or so, and was wondering if everything was ok, so he thought he’d call in and say hello.

This is very different to the last time we met; It wasn’t on my terms, I hadn’t instigated the encounter, also, I’m no longer contemplating my future and attempting to find answers. I’ve made the decision to get out of the business and now I must live with it. The business now being sold, is gone, there is no way I can go back, even if I wanted too.

For me, this is realism, here is a person I worked with, standing right there in front of me. I’ve stated many times, to quite a few people. That no matter what happens moving forward, I won’t be blaming other people for not having, what I’d always believed, I would’ve had. Or, for what had been happening in my life, over the last twenty-five years.

The decision being made to help people and do something constructive and fulfilling with my life, being made quite early on, one which I was extremely comfortable with. Following my feelings, letting the business go, and openly saying, I no longer wanted to be a part of it, was still however, momentarily uncomfortable.

As he walked through the door, there were congratulations being offered for the new business venture. I’d been anticipating a conversation at some point about it and the website. Possibly though, when we’d bumped into each other, not at my parents’ house.

Clearly, he’d have seen the website. Probably read it, and drawn an opinion about it. Knowing him for such a long time, this would be a natural response, it would be amazing if he, or anyone else didn’t want to read it. Considering, it could have potentially portrayed anyone involved, in a negative light.

I’d spent considerable time, while writing the website. Attempting not to come across, as a resentful person, who remained full of anger and hate. I was explaining, it was never about that. It’d always been about sharing a story, without sharing the story.

Pointing out that, by blaming the others involved and not taking responsibility for my life and actions, how could I possibly help people that find themselves in situations where they feel stuck, or worse.

We did however discuss issues, that had transpired over the years, only briefly, also calmly. Without the negative emotions that had been attached to them previously. We smiled as we talked about the business, what had happened, the dynamics I’ve discussed previously.

I pointed out, that we cannot blame other people for having different beliefs to our own. We can also not expect others to treat people in the same way, as we ourselves treat people.

This wasn’t all finger pointing, at other people that weren’t present either, this was open, honest. We included ourselves in this discussion. In situations such as this, whatever we think, because we are obviously ‘perfect’, we are likely contributing to it.

Another behaviour that came up, was the periodic, if not constant blaming of each other, for things that weren’t happening as we’d like them to. This being counter productive, and realistically was never going to achieve the desired result.

During this point in the conversation, I again pointed out, I was aware of what I was doing. I was fighting, I chose to do that. I was not being told what to do and being controlled. At that point in time, I knew nothing about my personality and make up on a deeper level, other than what I felt comfortable with. My beliefs, I have now examined, altered, or changed, where change was required.

My values, that’s different, there are some things, I will not change. Simply changing some of my beliefs, has seemingly had a profound effect on my life. It is also my belief, that wherever we are in life, whatever our issues are. At our core, we know what we are doing. In a very high percentage of cases anyway, there are obviously exceptions to this, dependant on circumstances.

We can possess a tendency to manipulate where possible, maybe, so we feel like we have some control. Making idle threats, just to get our own way, and make ourselves feel better. I have done this myself, and I have witnessed it on many occasions.

This is something I loathed about myself. I’d become a different person, even if I didn’t know who I really was. I wasn’t acting in any way, like the person I deeply believed myself to be. Instead, acting more like the people I was complaining about.

Health was another topic we touched upon, he’s been unwell himself. The stress response and our, ‘apparent’ ability to ignore it was discussed. It isn’t for me, to discuss his health at length here, and I am obviously no doctor. Besides, that is also not the point of this post. He went on to say, that what he has read, of what has been written, he felt was very neutral.

Also based on our hour or so long chat, he would be interested to read more, and that clearly, I had been through a process of self-reflection. It’s a good thing to be able to be in the same room as a person, holding a conversation with them, that you judged and held accountable for negative experiences in your life.

Maybe, as I mentioned during the conversation, not to the degree that I’d judged others, for their behaviour. The people that were the real focus of attention. One thing I am however, fully aware of, is that everyone has different methods, by which they achieve their desired result.

It’s also healthy when you can tell someone, you really don’t want them to die, that they should look after themselves. Even if, at one point in your life, that wouldn’t have been such a bad thing. Discussing exercise, nutrition and health, offering advice based on knowledge gained from my own experience.

When you can shake hands and walk away, close the door, where you don’t feel like exploding. Not wasting energy on scrutinising the conversation that’s just taken place, simply taking it for what it is, and moving on.

It’s interesting, after the event to listen to what people have to say. I’ve also discussed this with friends that have had issues at work, with both partners and collegues. Where the ‘relationships’ have totally broken down to the point where there will be very little, or no future contact.

It’s a good feeling, when you can openly say to someone, while you are holding a civil conversation. I’d decided, it wouldn’t be possible to, ever work with them again. While, smiling at each other and agreeing, for the benefit of health and wellbeing, that was the best decision that could have been made.

When I said, I don’t remember being this peaceful and happy, the response was, that’s good to hear. I was explaining how for me, the fighting started. Not only with the drinking, and the response to it. At this point it was also before it had gotten, out of hand.

But, after a meeting that had taken place in an adjacent room, where we had reached an agreement about wages. An agreement, that was reneged upon, firstly, using some lame excuse as a reason, and then, by conveniently not remembering the conversation. Plus, there were a couple of other unrelated issues, which became apparent at that time.

I also, always got the feeling, they wanted me to act like a thirty-year-old man, who had settled down in life, at nineteen or twenty years of age.

The day we had the conversation, concerning the said agreement, at the office. I walked out with the extra money, feeling completely unappreciated and angry. At that time, I was around twenty years of age. I never got over that conversation. Carrying it around mentally, with absolutely no intention of letting it go. Simply adding to it, stacking one negative experience, on top of another. Eventually this became intolerable.

Explaining all the hate has gone, for both myself, and others. That where there were certain issues that I felt, one way or the other, I needed some sort of closure to. I hadn’t consciously forgiven anyone involved, that was not my aim to begin with. Instead, that I simply stopped caring about it, everything, I’d let it go. That, I sleep at night and I am not stressed out about the future any longer.

Also, that, if I’d not decided to make the career change and returning to work was an option. I’d have gone back into the business, being fully aware of how I was going to behave. Where I’ve again previously said, I’d had enough of the fighting. I’d have walked in, being mentally and physically fitter, and simply been ‘disruptive’. I’d have acted, in exactly the same way, that I witnessed other people acting previously. Asking the same questions, making the same proposals and commenting on what the others were doing all day.

I feel this would have been detrimental to my health, the business and the working environment, it would have been a disaster. I have the power within me, not to place myself in a situation, where however healthy and whole I may feel, it is going to be ‘challenging’.

It’s impossible to speculate about, us having communicated with each other. With more understanding, or an attempt at it anyway. Whether or not these issues would have been resolved, the environment being a healthier place to be. There is one thing I can say for definite, it shouldn’t take people becoming ill, at whatever level, before these issues are addressed.

I’ve spoken about talking to the people involved, in our working environment. It also shouldn’t necessarily reach the stage where the only option is to get out of the employment you currently have.

It might not be personalities, that are the issue. Discussion still, is of paramount importance. A resolution to issues, before they become intolerable, mechanisms for coping with the ‘bigger picture’ of which our career is one. Are clearly the way forward, for us to remain in our chosen career, if that is our true desire. Most importantly to retain our health and wellbeing.

If it’s possible to hold a conversation with a person, I had such feelings about, to be calm and at peace. While discussing a situation which I allowed to cause me so much pain. It seems feasible, that we could have held this conversation, in the past, before it escalated and got out of control.

We could have changed the environment we worked in, taken each other’s feelings into account, been less stressed and naturally guarded, because this is the stress response at play.

We don’t live in the past, what we have the power to do, is change our experience now, before it goes too far. Also, if we are capable of forgiveness, which by no longer caring about what took place in it, and being able discuss experiences, without emotion with the people involved. This is what I’ve achieved.

Importantly, not just forgiveness of others, also myself. We have the ability to achieve this, during the experience, not after it. Becoming abundant, calm and peaceful, without the drama and pain.

Give me a call today :- 07494677126 let’s discuss your working environment, the stress you are experiencing. We can find ways of dealing with these issues, before they unfortunatley go too far. Or are you finding it difficult to let things go and this is holding you back? email me :- jason@contentedlifecoaching.com

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