๐ช๐ถ๐น๐น๐ฝ๐ผ๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ถ๐ ๐ฎ๐ป ๐ถ๐ป๐ฐ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐ฑ๐ถ๐ฏ๐น๐ฒ ๐๐ผ๐ผ๐น, that I myself used after leaving the hospital. This, along with an obvious change in mindset, helped me move forward…to get out of my temporary, put-up bed and out of the door each morning, to walk with friends, whatever the conditions and to keep going, particularly, when it hurt.
I might well have been living unconsciously for years, run by my emotional brain, as many of us are, but donโt realise it. Conditioned by life and the experiences Iโd had, the people Iโd listened to, “making decisions” that in fact, weren’t being actively thought about.
Iโd also been using enormous amounts of energy and WILLPOWER in an effort to continue functioning, albeit at easily less than half capacity.
Surely there was a more efficient, effective way, of continuing to move forward?
I couldnโt be that guy, the little yellow one, who drank substantial amounts of alcohol every day, living in fear, hating himself, almost everyone else, life itself and had lost mostly all of his muscle mass. This Iโd obviously decided, pretty much as soon as the psychiatrist had allowed me to leave the hospital.
When this became an intention to become the guy I wanted to be, everything changed. I had a vision of being fit and healthy, looking and acting like a healthy human being again, if I ever really had…Doing and enjoying activities that Iโd not bothered with for years, or I believed, had no interest in.
Alcohol is and never was part of that vision. This I believe, is a major factor, in it quickly, becoming irrelevant to me.
The beauty in many ways, of living the way I had been, using the tools Iโd been digging that, deep dark hole with, for well over two decades. I was beginning to understand what had been happening, how Iโd ended up, almost dead.
I was accepting the parts of myself, that had been cast aside, hidden from view, the self judgement had diminished, along with the judgement of others. It took time, there was more acceptance, understanding and forgiveness.
My need to be better was still there, along with the unhealthy competitiveness, what Iโve found is, when we are moving forward, there is no rush, or easy route, we must be prepared to do the inner work.
โFuelledโ by the reclaimed energy of anger, anxiety, depression and stress…now eating a nutritional diet, hydrated and sleeping…coupled with the change in mindset, utilising willpower where required and behaving in a far healthier, progressive manner, that I felt comfortable with.
To my mind, there would be no stopping me, dealing with the issues I faced and creating a new life.
It seems, when Iโm reflecting and writing, there are many things, that are almost contradictory, or not in sequence, this is sometimes how the experience felt.
Some days, would be โbetterโ than others, Iโd be in a โbetterโ place, there was so much to work out and it wasnโt about alcohol…but then, what is โbetterโ? If we are learning about ourselves, life and creating, as opposed to destroying it?
Along with the new relationship I have and understanding of myself, a healthy relationship with alcohol and not needing to lecture others on itโs consumption. Simply getting on with and focusing on my own life, this has led to a more enjoyable experience, not only for me, but the people I 