A Long Weekend in Rome with My Father
A Much Needed Trip to Rebuild.
When I was young, I remember my father being supportive.
We had a very good relationship; I could count on him to be there.
He'd reprimand me if I broke the rules, and I accepted this, but it didn't sit well with me.
I'd learned to control my environment when I was very young, inner and outer,
I refused to be, or rather feel like I was being controlled.
He fetched, carried, supported, and provided as much as possible;
In my teens, he gave his time to watch me play sports and music.
What he didn't know was that I had stopped sharing the way I felt.
Losing My Grandfather, his Father.
Losing my grandfather was the biggest, most life-changing event that had happened in my life.
It hit us both hard, and we didn't share our grief.
In a moment, my life changed when he said, "He's gone."
What I couldn't see at the time was that his life had also changed forever.
I went off the rails; conflict with anyone - coaches, teachers, my parents - escalated.
I'd been holding it together for years; this tipped the balance.
By the time I reached sixteen years old, my life felt almost completely different.
I was finding it increasingly difficult to deal with the constant pressure inside, outside,
the expectations of others, my dead grandfather, my own.
This is the part of your life where you are supposed to be creating your future,
and here I was finding it impossible to deal with my current situation or the past.
After doing the bare minimum, I managed to scrape together six GCSE's.
What my father and my family didn't know, I'd started taking my mother's car out,
I'd discovered the intense feelings of excitement, how driving underage made me feel different,
at Christmas time I took it out with friends, and almost killed everyone in the car.
When his friend told him what had happened, he supported me and called the police.
Things Got Progressively Worse.
As I reached my late teens, music and sports (rugby) were gone,
I'd had enough of the bullshit, the "adults" in authority, who weren't
interested in my enjoyment of what I was doing, more importantly,
that I didn't want what they wanted.
I rebelled, told them no! At this point, I lost my identity (again).
A-Levels were no better; I didn't like my microeconomics teacher at all,
the teacher I did respect left after a year (macro), which meant more of the idiot.
I would drink alcohol before going to her lessons.
Computer Studies was different; what a great guy, he treated me, us like adults,
he cared, saw me, and I cared back. It was the only subject I made an effort in.
By this time I was already exhausted and couldn't concentrate properly.
Friction of some sort was now a daily occurrence; relationships were breaking down.
Employment after School.
"You can drive, you can work in the sales team under your father".
My new boss said.
A grizzly bear of a man who nurtured a toxic environment,
where there was little trust.
Whatever has happened in my life, he did give me an opportunity,
and I wouldn't be writing this now if he hadn't.
It was in this environment that I was introduced to a wage, real money,
then my first company car, and expenses.
What I didn't discuss was the increasing levels of pressure at work,
at home, in my relationships, romantic included.
In reflection, I could see it, feel it, but did nothing to change it.
The potential to earn was too great; it's all I could focus on.
I laughed inside when I turned up in my company car to pick up my A-Level results.
It was in this business that I first met my future business partners.
After another potentially fatal car accident in a company car, I was told I was not allowed to drive.
Where I could once again have easily killed us all, holding it together was increasingly difficult.